Sexual Fantasy
What are Sexual Fantasies?
Fantasies are a combination of thoughts and/or daydreams that often have some basis in a desire. They are mental imagery that can include real or imagined people, places and things. Children fantasize about being a fireman or being able to fly, while adults fantasize about winning the lottery or running their own business. Fantasy is a basic part of human nature. God gave us that ability. This ability to fantasize along with several other important abilities are what make human beings different from any other creature on the planet.
Fantasies can be brief thoughts or can be extended daydreams. The brief ones may be just one picture that flashes through the mind while the extended ones can go on for hours should the fantasizer choose to keep it going that long. They are usually images or actions that the fantasizer desires, but they can also be unwanted on occasion. Some fantasies can have both a wanted and unwanted aspect.
Since they can involve virtually anything a person can imagine, they have a limitless range in what they are about or who or what is in them. They can be extremely mundane or they can be unbelievably bizarre. They can be desires that an individual wants enacted in real life, or they can be thoughts that the individual wants to keep purely imaginary. The purely imaginary ones can be exciting simply because they are not real.
With that brief description in mind we now turn to sexual fantasy specifically. Sexual fantasy is simply a fantasy that has a sexual or erotic aspect. Sexual fantasy is considered to be a universal phenomenon. In general, fantasies start happening in early adolescence and everyone, whether they desire to have them or not, have them in some form at some point in their lives.
Despite biological factors such as age, brain development, and hormone levels influencing the onset of sexual fantasies, a person's society also has a strong influence on a person's fantasies. Is it surprising that a person's fantasies are colored by their culture? I don't think so. How we define sexuality and other related concepts is also very tied to our culture and sexual fantasy is no different. In Exercise 1 you probably identified some aspect of your culture that has influenced your fantasy life.
Earlier, it was noted that fantasies are a universal phenomenon. Therefore, sexual fantasies can be considered the most common form of sexual expression in terms of the percentage of people that have them. Think about that for a moment. Everyone has them at some point. Not everyone has sex, masturbates, or even kisses another human being.
While a person's society does generally influence a person's fantasies, they are not necessarily socially acceptable and in many cases, would clearly not be. Is it surprising that a person's fantasies are colored by their culture? Of course not. How we define sexuality and other related concepts are also very tied to our culture and sexual fantasy is no different.
Why Do We Have Sexual Fantasies?
Sexual fantasies serve a variety of purposes. They can be used to help plan out and guide future sexual encounters, they can be a mental break from work or boredom, or they can allow individuals to "participate" in activities they never would be allowed to or feel comfortable with in real life. They can also be used to jump start sexual desire, maintain arousal, enhance a sexual experience, or achieve an orgasm. Fantasies can be involuntary or can be chosen to fill one of the roles listed above. Involuntary ones may be an expression of our unconscious desires.
Let's look at these in more detail.
Plan out and guide - Fantasies can be used to set up an entire sexual encounter. Sexual roleplaying is a common example of this. A fantasy might revolve around the husband being a patient while his wife is a nurse. In this scenario, the couple's actions will be dictated, at least in part, by the fantasy they are choosing to act out.
Mental break - Sometimes work is boring. Fantasies about one's spouse can simply be a welcome break to one's daily routine.
Uncharted territory - Fantasies often are desires that a person has not shared with anyone, ever. They are uncharted sexual territory and allow a person to “experience” things they never have in real life.
Foreplay/Jump start desire - This one is especially true for women. Fantasies that consist of memories for past sexual encounters can be the catalyst for a new sexual experience. In general, women and older individuals need some mental foreplay before their body is ready to engage in sex. Talking about a fantasy with a spouse can also be a good form of foreplay.
Maintain desire/Enhance experience - At some point in your life, your mind will wander during a sexual experience. If you are newly married that may be shocking news, but it also means you do not have to worry when it happens. If and when this happens, thinking of a particular sexual fantasy can be just the thing to keep your mind on track. Distractions of all kinds (kids, work, money) can ruin a sexual moment, so keep a fantasy on hand to run away these intrusive thoughts.
Achieve an orgasm - Sexual fantasies can be the final push for men and women to achieve an orgasm. For some people a fantasy can be the sole cause of an orgasm. For individuals having trouble obtaining orgasms, experimenting with fantasies can be a way to get them "over the hump".
Take on novel roles - Powerful men and women can be submissive and anyone regardless of real life can be supremely powerful. Shy people can be outgoing and those who are typically pursuers can be the pursued.
All of the above examples are positive or neutral reasons for sexual fantasies and are fine when used appropriately in a marriage. There are, however, also negative reasons why individuals have fantasies as well. There can be multiple causes, but I will lump negative reasons for fantasy under "frustration".
Frustration - When a person is unable to have their sexual desires met, they can often try and fill that gap by having fantasies. They may use sexual fantasy to keep themselves happy or at least not feeling bad for themselves. When this is the cause of sexual fantasies, a couple should discuss their frustrations and work on them to avoid this turning into a habit and a bigger problem. Fantasies should not be used instead of working on your relationship and sex life with your spouse.
Men's Fantasies
In general, men's fantasies focus more on visual imagery and often include anatomical descriptions. Men's fantasies are more sexual and are more likely to be paired with masturbation, even after marriage.
Here are some examples of male fantasies:
1. Coming home from work to find his wife naked (except for heels) in the kitchen making dinner.
2. Finding a tape of his wife stripping for him.
3. Being left a note in his lunchbox that describes what his wife will do to you when he gets home.
4. Being given a spontaneous lap dance.
5. Being allowed to take sexy pictures of his wife or being given sexy pictures of his wife. For more information on this, visit
How to Take Sexy Naked Pictures for Your Husband
How to Take Great Sexy Naked Pictures: Props, Setting
How to Take Great Sexy Naked Pictures: Themes
Men's fantasies often include watching women, seducing them, or often, being seduced by them. The storyline of the fantasy, if there is one, is often focused on the genitals and is about the pleasure the act will bring.
Women's Fantasies
Women's fantasies often focus more on emotion and affection than explicit sexual actions. They have less focus on genitals and are based more on romance. The emotional feelings of the encounter are very important. Women also utilize olfactory and auditory memories in their fantasies.
1. Having enjoyable sex with her husband
2. Having great sex at a 5 star hotel
3. Being taken aggressively by her husband (safely of course)
4. Dominating her husband
5. Having her husband attend to her every desire
For women, sex often begins in her thoughts. Her sexual fantasies are therefore often used to turn her on and get her body ready to experience a sexual encounter. Arousal is easier when the brain has been primed. Imagining a previous encounter can be the exact thing needed to foster the desire for a new encounter.
Examples of Fantasies
There is no master list of sexual fantasies because they are as varied as the people that have them. However, some common categories are:
- Reliving a positive sexual experience
- Intercourse with a current partner
- Oral sex (Giving and Receiving)
- Sex in a romantic location
- Sexual power or irresistibility
- Being submissive
- Trying new sexual positions
Explore Your Own Fantasy
Benefits of sexual fantasy - Fantasy can add novelty to a long-standing sexual relationship like a Christian marriage. Sex is inherently fun, but romance and excitement can still give it a needed boost on occasion.
Like good sex, sexual fantasy requires some practice. Once you get started, I'll bet you will not need much encouragement to keep practicing. It is rarely mentioned in this context, but sexual fantasy can also help an individual stay focused during sexual intercourse or any other sexual act. Everyone's mind will wander on occasion, even within a fulfilling sexual marriage. Fantasy can be used to guide one's mind back to their spouse and enjoy the sexual experience more.
You can learn to fantasize, should you choose. Find something small that turns you on, relax, focus on it, and let your mind run wild.
Sharing fantasies can be a very positive experience, but on occasion it will not be helpful (which is true for sharing anything deeply personal). Let us help you make sure your exploration of you and your spouse's fantasies increases the trust, intimacy, and fun in your sex life.
If your spouse has not given much attention to her fantasies, she might think that your introduction of the topic means she is not meeting your needs as a lover. Reassure her that that is not the case, this is just something that can enhance your sex life.
Our book, "A Guide to Sexual Fantasy for Christian Couples" is available now!
