Christianity and Sexual Fantasy
Hopefully you are not looking for hard and fast answers in this section about exactly what components of sexual fantasies are Biblically right and wrong, because I do not have them. I doubt anyone does either, as the Bible is largely silent on the specifics of this issue. Given the silence on this topic, I will present what we do know about sex and sexual fantasies. The Bible does speak about sex and give us some guidelines about our thought lives. We will look at the rules, the guidelines, and then some encouragement. First, a look at the definite “no-no”s. The verses that these ideas are based on are given at the end of the book.
The Rules
We are to abstain from immoral sex. That means that it is a sin against God for a person to have sex with anyone to whom they are not married, whether that is another married person, another unmarried person, or a close blood relative. Sex with someone of the same gender is a sin, as is sex with an animal, or by force (rape). Jesus expands our understanding to include that not only is the action of immoral sex a sin, but also the desire can be sinful. Specifically important for sexual fantasy is that it is a sin to have "mental sex," with or sexual fantasies about a person other than our spouse. “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matt 5:28
The Guidelines
Christians should always strive to honor God with their bodies. Sexual activity should be an act that honors God. We should treat our bodies well and not harm them. If someone feels required to do something that is uncomfortable (in any way) or dangerous, it can fail to honor God. Couples become "one flesh" and should treat each other's bodies as if they were their own. Couples should not push each other to compromise their beliefs as an action can be a sin for one spouse and not the other. Even when something is allowed, we should make sure we are not mastered by it and should check whether it is helpful or not.
The Encouragement
God created marriage, sex, the desire for sex, and the ability to imagine/fantasize. Christian couples should not go too long without sexual intercourse assuming they are physically able. Sex is a fantastic gift from God and we should thank Him for it and think about it.
The biggest encouragement for sex and sexual fantasies comes from Song of Songs. It provides a fairly explicit example of how a married couple can act toward each other. Surely anyone would agree that the couple described in that book did not hesitate to think, dream, and fantasize about each other when they were apart. "All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him." (Song of Songs 3:1)
In approaching the issue of a Christian view of sexual fantasy, I personally believe that anything that does not violate the above rules, has been mutually agreed upon by a couple, and brings the couple closer together in a stronger marriage, is fair game.
Limitations of fantasies
Even though most couples are best served by deciding their own limitations, there are some that need a little more guidance. For those who want some specifics concerning fantasy and the experience of it, there should be:
- no explicit pornography, as it can lead to lust (stick-figure drawings from certain Kama Sutra books are okay, but avoid those with more explicit pictures)
- no adultery
- no group sex
- nothing illegal (like public nudity)
- nothing immodest (sexual activity in public)
- nothing that harms the body
An important limitation of sexual fantasy is that if sexual fantasy is simply a way for you to “safely” fantasize about other people (real or imagined), then it is defeating the purpose. Healthy sexual fantasies should cause you to think more about your mate, and they should help you think less about other people. Sexual fantasy is just another area of our minds that Christians should strive to keep under control. Remember, the Bible makes it clear that we are not to think lustfully about someone other than our spouse. It is, however, perfectly fine and highly encouraged to desire your mate sexually.
That forms the basis for what I think about sexual fantasy. Let's glean a little more information from other sources.
Society: Social views of fantasy differ throughout the world. Views of sexual fantasy closely follow the views of a society's view of sex in general. A society that views sex and sexual things negatively will view sexual fantasy negatively. Even in societies where acceptance of sex is higher, fantasies often remain private, even between spouses. Up until recently Western culture looked at fantasies negatively. Prior to their recent acceptance they were often viewed as evil or sinful and psychologists viewed fantasies (among women) as a sign of a mental disorder. Over the past few decades several studies and books have come out showing the positive elements of fantasy and how common they are. Many sex therapists now believe that a healthy sexual fantasy life often coincides with a healthy sex life overall and an absence of sexual fantasy is abnormal. Taking it one step further some psychologists believe that a healthy fantasy life can improve a couple's sex life. I agree with that idea.
Scripture
Rules
1. No sex with a person they are not married to
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”
1 Corinthians 7:2 “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.”
2. No sex with a person who is already married
Exodus 20:14 "You shall not commit adultery.“
3. No sex with a close blood relative
Leviticus 18:6 "No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations.”
4. No sex with a person of the same gender
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”
Romans 1:26-27 “Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.“
5. No sex with an animal
Leviticus 18:23 "Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion.”
6. No rape
Deuteronomy 22:25-26 “But if out in the country a man happens to meet a girl pledged to be married and rapes her, only the man who has done this shall die. Do nothing to the girl; she has committed no sin deserving death.”
7. Not to lust after, or have “mental sex” with anyone to whom they are not married
Matthew 5:28 ”But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Guidelines
1. Christians should always strive to honor God with their bodies. Sexual activity should be an act that honors God.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”
2. We should treat our bodies well and not harm them.
Ephesians 5:29 “After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.”
3. Couples become "one flesh" and should treat each other's bodies as if they were their own.
Matthew 19:5 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
Ephesians 5:33 “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
4. Couples should not push each other to compromise their beliefs as an action can be a sin for one spouse and not the other.
Romans 14:1 “Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.”
Romans 14:14 “As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean.”
Romans 14:23 “But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.”
5. Even when something is allowed, we should make sure we are not mastered by it and should check whether it is helpful or not.
1 Corinthians 6:12 "'Everything is permissible for me'—but not everything is beneficial. 'Everything is permissible for me'—but I will not be mastered by anything.”
Encouragement
1. God created marriage, sex, the desire for sex, and the ability to imagine/fantasize.
Genesis 2:23-24 “The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.“
2. Christian couples should not go too long without sexual intercourse assuming they are physically able.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
3. Sex is a fantastic gift from God and we should thank Him for it and think about it.
James 1:17 “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”
Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Common Beliefs
A common response to the idea of sexual fantasy is, "Well, I do not see anything that leads me to believe that sexual fantasies are wrong, but I just think they are." Here are some of the reasons Christians may hold this belief:
1. They think that sexual fantasy is connected with pornography.
While this can happen, individuals have fantasies regardless of whether they have ever seen pornography of any type. To counter this problem couples should be honest about the source of their fantasies.
2. They are taught so often that sexuality is bad before marriage that they have a hard time removing the mental barriers after they get married.
To state it plainly, married life is categorically different from single life and a completely different set of rules is in play. Once sexual intercourse becomes acceptable, thinking about sexual intercourse does also, as it would be difficult to have sex but never think about it.
3. They have not spent much time focusing on their own fantasy lives and do not think a fantasy life is important.
Each member of a couple must realize that they offer their bodies and minds to their spouse. The needs of one spouse become the needs of both. Choosing to ignore fantasies yourself does not make them wrong for others.
4. They think all fantasies focus on immoral things and that the underlying action is wrong.
That should be examined further. What are the specific actions that they believe are immoral? Why are they immoral? Just because a topic is not discussed from the pulpit on Sunday does not make it a sin. Sexual fantasies can be sinful, but they are not necessarily sinful. Many are helpful and God given.
5. They think that fantasies are about people other than one's spouse.
The most common fantasy for most people is having great sex with their current partner. They should not let jealousy and insecurity get in the way of something that has the potential to strengthen their marriage.
6. They are resentful that they have not had their fantasies fulfilled in the marriage.
If their fantasies are not being fulfilled, it is time to start doing something about that problem. The answer to unfulfilled fantasies is not to dismiss them altogether, it is to understand and embrace them.
Degradation
I personally think that the devil is behind a good number of reasons that people propose against sexual fantasy. He clearly does not want Christians to have good, God honoring sex and will use whatever he can to keep the bedroom boring and couples growing apart from each other.
He has twisted the concept of sexual fantasy around until Christians feel shameful and guilty about their normal and natural fantasies.
When the devil succeeds in this plan, Christian marriages suffer. Feeling guilt and shame about one's fantasies can lead to sexual dysfunction and can lead to an unsatisfying sex life for couples.
Women often feel more guilt or shame about their fantasies compared to men. This greater feeling of guilt has been shown to lead to less frequent and less varied sexual fantasies for those individuals. God designed sex for couples to express creativity and to enjoy intimacy. Christian couples should have the best sex lives!
Satan has used sex, sexuality, and fantasy to distance Christians from God for quite some time now. It only takes a few minutes browsing the internet to realize that. TV obviously is not any better. Seemingly every other commercial has a partially nude woman selling something. In general I avoid TV, but the next time you find yourself watching it, try and look away at any ad that is sexually suggestive. You'll end up missing practically every commercial.
Counseling
This website is not designed to be a substitute for counseling. If you are having serious issues in your marriage and want to see a Christian counselor trained in sexual issues, please contact one of the counselors that will be listed soon.
